


The First Ever Fire Hockey Ultimate Deathsmash Knockout Championship

by sinisterhand



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Gen, Humor, Spoilers for Episode: e060-066 The Stolen Century Parts 1-7, Sports Antics, Starblaster Team, The Illustrious and Highly Flammable Game of Fire Hockey
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-28 17:52:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19399318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinisterhand/pseuds/sinisterhand
Summary: Cycle 45. Pointless risk-taking. The crew of the Starblaster playtests an exciting new sport: The Sequel to Hockey. Inspired bythistumblr post.





	The First Ever Fire Hockey Ultimate Deathsmash Knockout Championship

By the end of cycle 45, the crew have gotten used to watching each other die. Everyone except for Lucretia has at least once, and while it's still awful, they are well assured that in less than a year, everything will be back to normal.

The point is, even if dying and watching family die never changes for the seven, it kind of does. It's the final week of cycle 45, which has a Prime Material Plane populated only by stones and tiny skittering things in the dark (not Magnus's favorite cycle, for sure). This made the Light easy to retrieve; they found a glowing, steaming crater within a week of canvassing. Where it had rested, the stone was honeycombed with tiny trenches in intricate fractal patterns that hurt to look at, formed by subterranean insects burrowing frantically towards it from all directions. With the Light secure and the world impervious, the crew had a lot of time to think.

Barry and Lucretia spent most of it gathering samples and data, Lucretia sketching crystalline structures and Barry attempting to rate each element on the Fantasy Mohs scale. Merle, despite his best efforts, was unable to get any plant from any previous cycle to take root anywhere on the Rock World. Davenport practiced his show maneuvers, dodging the Starblaster through dense forests of crystal with laser precision and drawing pictures in the sky. Magnus, Lup, and Taako, with nothing that took very well to being fought, rescued, befriended, set on fire, tasted, or swindled, mostly grew bored. Very bored.

Nobody else on the Starblaster is quite aware of how bored until Barry wanders out onto the starboard deck at 0230, surfacing from a multiple-day research bender, and sees Lup trying to light a Rebound stick on fire.

"Lup," he says. "What the fuck." Normally he would be worried that sleep deprivation and alien rock fumes are causing hallucinations, but it's Lup, and he doesn't think his science-addled brain would be able to recreate her freckles, darker on this cycle than some others, and her long, callused fingers, and the way the flame in her hands throws the soft shapes of her neck and cheekbones into sharp relief, and he's definitely screwed if he thinks she looks lovely _especially_ while she's trying to light something on fire. Lup startles, the spell she was channeling going out, and the stick clattering to the ground and hitting Taako in the shin.

"OW," says Taako. Oh. Taako's here too. "BETRAYED BY MY OWN SISTER AND TEAMMATE, MAKING SURE I'LL NEVER WALK AGAIN. PEACHY. TAAKO IS LOVIN' THIS." Possibly Taako is being melodramatic just to make Barry and Lup stop making eye contact. He does that sometimes when he's judged that they've been staring at each other for too long and he's uncomfortable. He might also just be being dramatic for the sake of it.

"Let me have that, you big baby," Magnus rolls his eyes and grabs the hockey stick from where it's balanced on Taako's outstretched foot.

"Consigned to die in a barren wasteland, surrounded by a family that cares nothing for my sad demise," says Taako, mostly to himself at this point. At this point, Barry starts to have an extremely bad feeling about the people above deck at fuck-o-clock in the morning and the hockey stick Magnus is now shadowboxing with, drawing it behind his head and between his legs to jump over.

"Lup," he says, resisting the urge to crawl back into his bunk and sleep for eighteen hours, dreaming of rocks. "Whatever is happening right now wouldn't violate Cap'n'port's strict rule against 'pyromaniac shenanigans', would it."

"Noooo," Lup smiles, nudging Magnus to hide the hockey stick behind his back and extinguishing the few remaining embers fizzing on the deck with a gesture. Barry raises an eyebrow. The hockey stick falls over and hits Magnus in the shoulder. "...Maaaaybe." Barry sits down hard on the floor. "Okay, yes, a little bit, but don't freak out! Magnus and I had a really good idea." Magnus perks up from where he had been trying to peel a determined Taako off the ground.

"Yeah! The new Fantasy Olympics event..." He pauses a couple seconds for dramatic effect, during which Barry's dread levels raise by approximately 600%. Magnus and Taako start a drumroll on the deck, Taako still refusing to raise his head off the ground or remove his boots from the railing. Lup shouts, "FIRE HOCKEY!" She poses, looking proud of herself, and Taako prestidigitates a few tiny fireworks from his fingertips. 

"Two goals. One field. Four pairs of rollerblades. Twenty gallons of kerosene," Lup intones like a sports announcer.

"Oh no," Barry says faintly.

"ONE RING. FOUR STICKS. ONE METRIC FUCKTON OF FIRE," Lup shouts.

"Oh no," Barry says, with more feeling. Taako twirls the hockey stick on one finger like a basketball. Lup snaps her fingers a couple more times and finally manages to set the end of the metal stick on fire. "I think I should probably go get Cap'n'port." Before the words are even out of his mouth, Lup is blocking the doorway back into the ship. Barry stops short.

"Don't wake up Cap'n'port. Be cool for two seconds," Magnus pleads.

"We need four players for even teams, come on, Barold, it'll be radical," Taako drawls.

"You're not chicken to play FIRE HOCKEY, are you, Barry?" Lup says.

Barry looks at her maniacal grin. He looks at Taako's (similar, but distinct) maniacal grin and Magnus, who is now, inexplicably, flexing. He thinks about Captain Davenport's disappointed face, and about the smell of sublimating alien rocks, and the end of the cycle, and what it might be like to play hockey but the puck is on fire, and also the goal is on fire, and also you are on fire. "Yeah, sure, fuck it," Barry says, and every one of the three on deck look unreasonably pleased with themselves. "Give me a stick. I'm going to crush you all at fire hockey." 

*****

Everything is ready. The field of basalt Lup found in the desert has been sanded and drenched with kerosene. Also thoroughly kerosened are the ends of the sticks, and the rollerblades, and the puck, and the goals. Taako had transmuted the kerosene from water, and Barry had provided a puck made from what he was pretty sure was the most resilient material on the entire plane. It was bright purple. The two goals are set up at either end of the field, and on a levitated bench above are Merle and Lucretia, armed with fantasy microphones. (Lucretia had already been awake, somewhat worryingly, and Merle had only needed to hear what was happening.)

Barry and Lup can see Magnus and Taako conferring next to their goal, Taako making several large but inscrutable hand gestures that make Magnus's broad shoulders shake with laughter. Lup claps him on the shoulder. 

"We got this." 

Barry smiles and claps her back. As an afterthought, he casts a spell to keep his glasses intact and present and hopes it's fireproof. Lucretia clears her throat into the microphone. 

"Welcome to the First Ever Fire Hockey Ultimate Deathsmash Knockout Championship!" The words reverberate in the still night. Merle hefts the puck in one hand like a javelin. "Seven goals to victory. If anyone dies, _the match does not stop_. MAY THE SPICIEST ASTRONAUT WIN." (The speech was Lup, and Barry sees her grin as Lucretia pronounces it with gravity.) Merle ignites the puck and dunks it as near to the middle of the playing field as he can get it, which means that it hits Magnus on the shoulder and ricochets away, and with that, the game is on.

"Burnsides coming out strong with possession, he's advancing down the field pretty fast, dodging attempts to trip him up with a hockey stick, it's a good thing for Lup that there are very few rules and no penalty box in fire hockey, he attempts to score... and Bluejeans blocks, with an excellent demonstration of practical applications for denim!" Lucretia cheers.

"IT'S SURPRISINGLY INFLAMMABLE," Barry shouts, over the sounds of Lup and Taako's sticks clashing over the puck.

"Team Blupjeans is now on the offensive, moving up-court, faking out Team Maako with some fancy passes, Taako has now stolen the puck by having Burnsides lift an opposing player over his head, he is now attempting to do a couple of reps with Bluejeans and posing for the audience—"

"Very cool, Magnus," Merle interjects. "Does he even weigh anything to you?"

"No, it's like holding a bunch of grapes," Magnus says cheerfully, throwing and catching Barry like a pizza.

"Bluejeans has taken advantage of Burnsides' attempt at a sexy turn to escape, just in time to help his teammate form a block to halt Taako's beeline to the goal... they're struggling... they're struggling... where is the puck? OH!" Lucretia and Merle both stand up in excitement.

"In an *unprecedented*--" 

"YOU MEAN DECEITFUL," Lup yells, making an impassioned attempt to steal Taako's hat before he skates out of reach.

"—move, Taako has used a Minor Illusion to distract his opponents long enough to score, igniting the Blupjeans goal, and in retaliation, Lup has used a cantrip to set his hat on fire. Referees have just decided to ban the use of magic during Fire Hockey, in the interests of this not becoming an out-and-out Twin Wizards Duel. There is now _one_ rule in Fire Hockey. All fires set are to be created _honestly_ , by bringing any number of flaming things into contact with one of the objects in play soaked in kerosene, which is to say any of them." 

Taako throws his hat on the floor and stomps on it, either to express frustration with the ref's decision or to extinguish the small fire. This does not work in the slightest, due to the fact that Taako's rollerblades and the playing field are both covered in kerosene, and the small fire quickly becomes a large fire.

"Play will resume in three, two—" 

"OH SHIT!" Taako skates away from the growing conflagration as fast as possible, now minus one eyebrow. Magnus makes a taunting gesture towards the other team as if this is a victory for anyone, and Lup flips him the double bird. Play resumes with another small burst of (what else) fire.

*****

The game is in full swing. Everyone except Lucretia is on fire to some extent. The game is fast and fun and they're invincible that night, slamming flaming sticks into each others' ribs and cheering like maniacs. Things haven't been this light for a good couple of cycles. Then Captain Davenport shows up. He's wearing monogrammed pajamas. 

Everyone freezes. There is absolute silence as Lup releases Magnus from a smothering headlock and Taako lets go of Barry's stick. Exposed to the air, one sideburn ignites with a quiet whoompf. Captain Davenport's eyebrows are almost in his hairline.

"What," the captain says flatly, "is happening." Lucretia is the one who regains enough composure to answer first, smoothing down the front of her robe.

"Fire hockey." Davenport surveys the field for another moment.

"I would ask what fire hockey is... but I'm pretty sure I already know." Without Barry to anchor him, Taako has been slowly rolling backwards, close to going straight into a goal, which would undoubtedly be a very bad thing for the few parts of Taako not already on fire. Lup grabs him by the collar and reels him back in. Nobody seems able to look away from the captain.

Davenport sighs a very long sigh, and then he says, "Lucretia, you're not at risk for getting too fried to fly, so to speak?" Lucretia nods. "Then give me a stick." His eyes shine with steely determination to do something really dumb and get really fucked up. Lup smiles like a champion.

"Right away, Captain." (They don't _technically_ have another fantasy hockey stick, but they do have a lot of Magnus's practice table legs, varnished extra-flammable, so it's fine.) The noble sport of Fire Hockey gains another role that day, that of Double Fire Goalie, whose role is to attempt to prevent the scoring of _all_ goals. Davenport's pajamas catch on fire within minutes, and Lup has to throw her jacket over him and try to beat it out.

*****

The match had no winners and many fires. When they exit the planar system, burns and bruises and a couple broken bones are washed away, but the First Ever Fire Hockey Puck remains. None of the other equipment does, as it was destroyed by fire long before the Hunger's frustrated assault on this planar system. It was not the first or the last time the crew of the Starblaster spent their last night in a planar system recklessly throwing themselves into danger, laughing with each other, knowing that the next day no wound would survive. It was also not the first or last time Lup set something on fire "just to see what would happen," but it was one of the better outcomes. 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed; this is very silly and very rough! Also unbetaed so if you notice any glaring errors, please tell me. Concrit welcomed, this is my first TAZ fic and I tried my best. Except for the gratuitous B99 reference.


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